My conversation with 'G'

On this day, God wants you to know

... that no matter how good you try to be to others, you will occasionally hurt them. Forgive yourself for it. The same will happen with them. Forgive them for it.

Okay, so I know you're not supposed to dispute God. But He and I have battled over this for over 25 years.... I hurt a good friend, my best friend, many years ago....destroyed her confidence and trust in me...obliterated a seemingly beautiful relationship....because of one stupid event. I remember it as if it were yesterday; we didn't talk for a month. No phone calls, late night gab sessions, no meeting at the dining hall for dinner or hanging out in the game room playing Pac-Man or Millipede. It was just me and my boyfriend....

Then it happened...

...she wrote me during that spring break (I still have the letter); she wanted to meet, to talk and work things out. Everything that I wanted! I was elated! She had forgiven me! I could breathe again.....until I heard... Now....

Forgive yourself for it.

No, I can't do that.....

Why not? You have to let it go....

I have been told that more than once....by other people, by my husband, by HER even. But I can't....what if I do it again? What if I hurt her again, and I don't get a second chance at forgiveness this time? I couldn't bear that. Holding on the memory, the pain, the guilt keeps me on my "p's and q's". I tread lightly, watching what I say and do.

Forgive yourself for it.

But I can't.

The nightmares have stopped (again); the nervousness and anxiety takes a backseat to the excitement, joy and love that I feel when we are together. Even though our lives took very different paths, our bond continues to strengthen after 25 years. I am so thankful that she forgave me all those years ago.

Forgive yourself for it.

I.....I'm trying.....

Gotcha Day

There is so much more of the story; I will share that as my blogging journey continues....but today is special....special in many ways....today started it all......

It was 'Gotcha Day'....the day I officially became a mommy....the day I got to bring my baby boy home. No more visits at someone else's house...no more observations or inspections by social workers....no more weekend visits and tearful good-byes. Sunday, January 27, 2001 was a cold, cold winter day! Turk and I strapped a car seat in the back and took off down 85 S to the 15-501 exit in Orange County. We met Bill and Lois at Applebee's. He did not whimper or struggle when I held out my hands....it felt strange, yet oh so natural to say, "Come to Mommy." He came right to me with a big grin on his face; I cried because he knew who I was. We climbed back into the car and pulled onto the highway. I stared at him the entire ride back to Greensboro and watched him sleep. We are, finally, a family now, a party of 3, if you will..... He looks like me; he's built like Turk. An absolute doll. What will tomorrow be like? Next month? Next year!?

Fast forward to 2011....a beautiful, surprising warm winter day. As friend said earlier, a house full now, running around in the backyard full of soccer balls, bats, four wheelers, frisbees, bicycles and what not. And there stands my 'first born', with a sheepish grin across his lips, telling me something that makes sense to only him at the moment. I snap this photo......10 years ago, my honey had taken that 17-month old bow-legged, baby boy for a walk down the street. I watched from the kitchen, wondering how we were going to be as parents. Today, 10 years later, we have a middle school young man who drives us crazy some days, but makes us deliriously happy others. I think we did pretty good....

Question...

One of my sorority sisters posted this question on our discussion board.....do adult women have best friends, BFFs, home girls? After I responded to her post, I felt my answer would make a good home here as well.....

 

Growing up I never thought I would have a best friend....someone I could confide in, talk to on the phone, someone who would like me 'just cause'. My first best friend (in a little girl's mind) was in my third grade class. We had the same first name and last initial, so there was no 'Kathy S'...it was Kathy Smith and Kathy Stallard (at least our middle names were different; I was a Marie and she was a Lynn....yeah, I do remember that). Long story short, she moved away at the end of the school year; we were heart broken and cried all day the last day of school. I never saw her again. I secretly vowed never to have a best friend again, if she was going to move away/something happen, and my heart get broken again.

 

Fast forward to college, when, during my sophmore year, I was approached about being on the charter line of Sigma Gamma Rho Sorority on Va. Tech's campus. It was then that I met the young woman who would be our number 1, our Navigator, while online (yes, we walked in line back then). Through hell and high water over the years, she became my ACE, my best friend, my confidant, the little sister that I never had, my heart to the point that I couldn't imagine life without her. We talk everyday.....agree to disagree.... giggling like school girls when we are together and crying as if our hearts are breaking when we separate. She's had my back whenever I needed someone to depend on; I was on her doorstep within 24 hours of the world that she had known came crashing down around her.

 

My mother always told me to give those we love 'their flowers' while they live....to tell others how we feel about them before there comes a time that we are no longer together in the physical. There are not enough words that I can find to tell this woman how much she has impacted my life, how proud of her I am in all her accomplishments, how much she is missed, how much she is loved by my family and me.

 

So, to answer my sorority sister's question, do adult women have best friends, BFFs, home girls? Oooooh heck yes! and I've got the tatoo to prove it...... KB/KS SFL (Sisters for Life).

Fly, my angel....

2 Corinthians 1: 3-4 ~ Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.

What can be said to a mother who loses her youngest child, her only daughter, in a tragic accident? How can words begin to heal the broken heart of a treasured friend, a sister, who has suddenly lost her spouse? Neither had a chance to say 'good-bye', no opportunity for a final 'I love you' or even to simply beg 'Don't go! Not yet!' What can be said or done ease their pain and suffering during the days, weeks and years to come?

A hug, a hand held, a shoulder to lean and cry on, a late night phone call that carries over into the wee hours of the morning speaks volumes. The comfort comes in knowing that someone is close by when those 'down times' seem to go on forever. Taking the walk of healing is a long, arudous and painful task; it is even more difficult to take that walk alone without a companion...someone to minister, to guide, to assist in the process of grief and recovery.....to talk....and other times, just to listen. It's like God's got me; I've got you....the footprints in the sand have gone from two sets....to one. "It was during those times of trial and tribulation, My child, that I carried you."

To the angels who have gone on ahead......you have taken His hand and earned your wings. Use them to take flight and travel to beautiful places far and wide. We, who stayed behind, will also take His hand to help us stand while we watch you fly away.

Memories of Christmases Past

....staying up late on Christmas Eve has always been a family tradition in my house. As a child, my mom would do all of her baking on Christmas Eve night so my Aunt Roxie could have the kitchen during the day to finish preparing the huge Christmas meal for all of my aunts, uncle and cousins. My mom and my sister, Joan would be in there laughing and giggling all night long! They would sneak up (or down) stairs to get my presents and set them out. Then they would fall in bed, sometimes, just minutes before I woke up on Christmas morning.



That was their time together each year and both looked so forward to the holidays. They always planned a year in advance what they would do the next year. I would always be lying in bed, TRYING TO GO TO SLEEP, and dreaming about the year that I would get to hang out in the kitchen with Mama and Joan, while MY CHILDREN tried to sleep, put out presents and fall into bed eeeaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrly Christmas morning.



My time to share would not come to pass; Joan went home long before I married. Mama lived to see me marry, but not to carry on the tradition of staying up and putting out Santa. So I stay up late every Christmas, alone, and dream of days gone by. Turk said at breakfast that he wanted me to have everything I want for Christmas; unfortunately, he can never give me what I truly want and long for. Am I sad? Yes - every year it gets a little worse. Do I feel cheated? In some ways yes; my memories of huge family gatherings and Christmas dinners are just that. Memories. My children will not get to have that experience of being at Granny's house on Christmas, opening presents, the revolving door of extended family and visitors, mega food, merriment, songs and laughter.



So I create new traditions with my children - putting out cookies and snack for Santa, tracking his travels on the internet, a call from him while he's traveling, hot cocoa, watching Christmas movies and, finally, bed to anticipate what we might get this year. Me? I wrap presents, do some light cooking, put out Christmas surprises with my husband, watch a movie with him...all the while remembering Christmases gone by and all the fun that was had.



Mommy, Joan, Granny....I love you to pieces. I surround my space with your pictures so I can feel you presence on days like today....special occasions and holiday that you all loved so much. I miss your advice and words of wisdom - especially when I don't know what I'm doing. I know you guide me in everything because all three of you lead by example. I still want to be like you when I grow up.

God doesn't bring you to it unless He's gonna bring you through it....

24 months ago, May/June 2008, we were cruising along life's highway, oblivious to the road in front of us. Watching the scenery, loving life and chillin'. We had our struggles, but otherwise everything was great. What could go wrong?



Exit May 2008: Nicholas slips into his first sickle cell crisis of his life, is hospitalized and, less than 12 hours later, is undergoing a blood transfusion. Three days in the hospital, he comes home with no side effects, happy as a clam, and we begin to ease into our summer.



"We survived that, Lord! And that was major." Cruisin' again.....



Exit June 2008: I start graduate school - online courses to earn my masters in teaching. What I'm going to do with that....I don't know, but I'll get some extra $$ in the end. So let's roll with it.



"A lot has changed in the 20+ years that I have been out of school, Lord, but I'll be okay." Lower the speed on the cruise control, but still cruising....



Exit March 2009 - 911: My sister's husband passes away suddenly....something I couldn't fathom happening at such a young age (for any of us). We slow to '35 miles an hour'; she and the 6-year old she is guardian for move to live with us. My family and I help with their healing process, provide stability, guidance, love and support.




"Lord, not why....but HOW am I going to do this???" .... "You'll be fine. Have faith. You've got her; I've got you." .... "Yes, Sir." Pull back onto the highway, and merge into traffic.....grad school, teaching, wife, mother, "foster mother", counselor, friend, sister..........."I can do this! I'm just a little crazier and more hyper than I already was, but Hey! It's okay!" Pick up speed and cruisin' again.



Exit June 2010: We are a house of 5 again...Katrina's on the road back to Maryland and Christopher on his way to Blacksburg. If a heart can be tight and heavy at the same time, then that's mine right now. She received a 'promotion' that will put her on the path that she wanted for her life and in an area that she loves and thrives in. Chris - although he loved here, my children and family, his new school and friends - longed for the people he loved most.




"I knew this day would come, Lord. I wish it didn't have to end because I was comfortable again. I knew what I had in front of me and around me....and it was good. Now.......it unknown again. I don't like the unknown." ..... "You'll be fine. Have faith. You've got THIS; I've got you.....always." "Yes, Sir. But can we talk about this one day.....REALLY talk about this....so you can tell me me WHY all of this had to happen? And why you picked me???" "I wouldn't have brought to it if I hadn't known you'd get through it, Kathy. But we'll talk, I promise."



The house is eerily quiet and empty feeling.... I guess we'll hit the highway in a few days, set the cruise control....and start watching for the next exit............

**********************************

I will learn, one day, NOT to wonder what next. What you ask for, you will surely get....one way or another!



Exit July 2010.....WE ARE GOING TO DISNEY WORLD........well, with one speed bump in the road. What?! A speed bump in the highway?? Hubby goes to doctor to have a pH monitor implanted to see what is causing his major reflux. Pulse/O2 stats drop so drastically that the doctor ends the procedure and sends us to the cardiologist. The cardiologist, since he has done everything else to my baby, schedules a catherization. We can't....go...on vacation.....? Doc says, "Sure! Go ahead. Take it easy. Drink plenty of water. See you when you get back." We vacay, have a blast, and return home all the while eerily cautious, but positive that it, like all other tests, would show nothing.




The speed limit has decreased to 30 mph.........radar has gone off....there are cops nearby. So we are just going to creep on up the road. "G.....you still there, right???" "Now why would I leave you, silly girl???" "I don't know....just won'ering"




Exit August 3, 2010......Cath Day........the hospital is such a busy place!!!! But other wives are there for their husbands' caths. They go into the Consult Room and come back soon after all smiles. My turn will come soon; I can do this. Piece of cake. The volunteer escorts me back to the consult room; the doctor comes into the room and all the air leaves. Four arterial blockages - 100, 90 and two 80%. Calling a surgeon for a quadruple bypass. No time for opinions or thinking about a highway change. Slap on brakes and pull OFF THE ROAD! My honey, my heart, my life and love partner has to have his heart fixed so he can stay here with me.




"Ummm.....G? You got this AND me .....and US, RIGHT???????" "Yes, darling. This is out of your control. You can't fix it. This is all me. Sit back, breathe, and watch me work......." I park the car, turn off the engine and watch with my mouth hanging wide open! We get a second chance at life, love and being a family. "Child, stop driving so much and enjoy what's right here in front of you, okay????" "Yes, sir.....I promise. You still got this.....and us?" "Yes, baby. I got all this. It's my job and pleasure to take care of my children. Remember I'm not going to bring you to it, if I don't plan on bringing you through it."



So the rushing about is over, the rat race has ended, the speeding from place to place has stopped. The van has been parked. We will take it out every now and then to go on a road trip.....watch statuses for updates....