The Dynamic Duo

New Year's Eve, 2003, like I had done in years past, I went to Watch Night Service at my church. That year, Pastor gave each person in the congregation a small baggie with a mustard seed inside. The entire church rocked with laughter as he described the issues he went through trying find distributors who would sell him 5,000 small ziploc 'dime bags'! Later on during service he told each of us to write on our bag something that we wanted, then to place it in our wallet, purse or briefcase, taking it out occasionally, praying over it and then placing it back. We were to report back as each of us had our prayers/wishes answered. My wish and prayer was a simple three word phrase: "Build our family" Because we were still nose high 'deep' in our infertility process, and we had already successfully adopted our little big guy, Nicholas, we weren't giving up the hope of having more children - either biologically or through another adoption. We knew what the risks were with trying to have our own (slim to none and would truly be the hand of God to make that happen) and with adoption, but were willing to take that chance of trying to adopt again. I wrote, said my prayer and placed my dime bag in my wallet.

Beginning that night I had a dream of me walking into a NICU and looking into an incubator. As I touched the side of the isolet, the room faded to black. Moments later I could see myself, sitting on my couch. I was talking to my mother on the telephone. I knew my mother had passed away in 2000, and although I couldn't hear her voice, I still knew it was her. I listened to my mother as she gave me a detailed list of instructions. I could see myself nodding, writing, commenting, asking an occasional question. I seemed excited, delirious even. Then that part of the dream would fade to black also. I had the same reoccuring dream once a week for 3 weeks. I didn't tell anyone of my dream, not even Turk for a while. I thought I was going crazy.

On January 25, while home from school because of snow, I received a call from social services. They were calling to see if we were willing to be foster parents for a preemie boy who was still in the NICU; he was born in November at 28 weeks gestation, still on nasal canula, feeding tube and struggling with drug withdrawal symptoms. The social worker wasn't sure if it would be a permanent placement as the plan of care had not been decided upon....yet. And with all foster placements, the ultimate plan was reunification. Despite all that I was seeing my dream coming to fruition; I eagerly said yes and called Turk to tell him the awesome news. Starting the next day I spent afternoons and evenings, Turk went by each night after work and we alternated times during the weekend bonding and loving a sweet little boy who shared the same name as our oldest. How we were going to juggling two Nicholas' was beyond us, but we would make it work - somehow, someway.

On February 9, 2004, we met with the social worker, placement care team, and Nicholas' great aunts and uncle. As the monumental story began to unfold, we learned that Nicholas' mother had reliquished her parental rights to her first three children to her 'baby daddy' and one of her aunts. In a written statement, she agreed to reliquish her parental rights again if Nicholas could be placed in the custody of either of her aunts. In less than 45 minutes my hopes and dreams of being an infant's mommy were shattered as Nicholas went to live somewhere else. I cried the entire way home from the meeting, Turk holding my hand and reassuring me that it was going to be okay....we still had our first Nicholas. Close friends and co-workers who knew our struggles and heartaches tried to offer words of wisdom. Devastated, I tried to figure out WHY God would take that little boy away. All I wanted was a baby, a brother or sister for Nicholas, so our little family would be complete. Little did I know that in a nearby city, born on that very day, was my reason WHY.

As I do with every adverse situation in my life, I threw myself into teaching and caring for my little brown boy. I had not had my NICU dream in weeks and had basically dismissed it as the rantings of a crazy old lady. One afternoon in mid-March, while working on a writing lesson with my first graders, my cell phone rings. Not recognizing the number, I hesitated, but answered anyway. It was a social worker from the county Department of Social Services. There was a set of fraternal twins at the medical center NICU in need of a foster home and were schedule to be released the following day. She said there was a strong possibility that this would be a permanent placement, meaning adoption sometime in the future. The social worker wanted to know if we were interested in the children being placed with us. Shocked and stunned, I struggled first to breathe and then to think; my dream...but I had only seen one insolet, meaning one baby, not two. I searched for words as my first graders literally ran around my feet packing to go home for the day. Before I realized what I was saying I managed to blurt out, "Don't call anyone else, please!!! I can't answer yet! I have to call my husband! I have to ask him! I know what he'll say, but I still have to ask him. Give me 20 minutes to call him please!! Please don't call anyone else until I call you back!!!"  A bit taken aback the social worker said, "Ask your husband? Okay. But what do you think he'll say?" I replied, "Oh I know he'll say yes! But I still have to ask him first. I owe him that much respect."

God didn't want me to have Nicholas, the baby.....A baby....that wasn't His plan... He wanted me to have TWO babies! Walking my students to their buses, I frantically dialed Turk's number over and over; he wouldn't answer! Borderline hysterical, seconds seemed like minutes and I just knew my time was running out. I wanted to honor my husband, but if I didn't and couldn't reach him, I would make the choice on my own, beg for forgiveness and suffer the consequences that Turk would unleash later. I made one last effort to call.....screaming into the ringing phone, "ANSWER!!" and he did! "I'm in a meeting, Kathy! I can't talk!" I begged, "Please! I'm sorry! But please! Give me 30 seconds! Twins! At the medical center! Being discharged tomorrow! It's a possible permanent placement! I've got 5 minutes to call her back!! Do we want them???!" Turk: "YES!" I slammed the phone shut and opened it again, fingers falling over the buttons to dial DSS back. When the social worker answer, in an honest effort to stay cool and sound calm I yelled out, "He said YES! What do we need to do?" and I heard her giggle at my excitement. In trying to calm me down, she proceeded to tell me that the twins' social worker would be contacting me soon with further directions. She thanked me for returning the call, congratulated me and hung up.

As I closed my phone again, I stopped cold in my footsteps, stared at the phone and uttered, "My God! What have I done?" My knees got weak, my mouth dry and I started to tremble uncontrollably. Nicholas had been a toddler, walking, semi-talking, eating little thing. I just agree to take on TWO premature infants with double the unknowns of my first baby boy. Then, as suddenly as my weakness, trembling and dry mouth appeared, it went away. A calmness came over me as I heard a familiar voice - a voice that I hadn't heard on this side in almost four years, whisper in my ear, "Go to the office and get your leave form, baby." Looking around, I walked up the sidewalk, into the treasurer's office and sat down. "Peggy, I need a leave form. I'm going home."

Over the next nine hours I continually heard her voice, telling me where to go, what to look for and what to buy. In my minds eye, my dream came to full focus; I heard every single, solitary word, saw every note that I had written on my baby shopping list - onsies, blankets, diapers, shampoo, Dreft, socks, car seats, gowns, crib (call Cassandra), outfits to come home, bottles, formula - it was all there in plain view. I washed, dried, folded, packed the diaper bag, assembled two cribs, cleaned and disinfected the entire house top to bottom, set out the car seats, washed/dried the covers and had them waiting by the door. I was almost robotic. I didn't stop until midnight when I finally sat down to go over my mental checklist. She then said, "You're ready. Go get my babies." She knew what God's plan was and knew that she had to avail herself to me to believe it, accept it, receive it and to help me get ready. Without her, I would not have accomplished even one task. And she knew that too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My dynamic duo, Marrie and Sean, came into this world at one and two pounds respectively, barely the size of Turk's hand. Nicholas swore he wished you here (he wanted a baby brother, then a baby sister and then both. I had told him it didn't work that way. Okay, prove me wrong yet again!)  You were loved before we even laid eyes upon you. You became my babies when I held you for the first time. You crept into my heart at that very moment and will never ever leave. You never fail to make us smile or to make us proud. Daddy, Nich and I love you to the moon and back! Happiest of birthdays to you!